Ol’ Speedbump Sally

During dinner with my friend Rick, I noticed his unusual tee shirt, which featured car icons running over person icons. He explained there’s an exclusive club in St. Louis for guys who’ve ran over an infamous queen known as Speedbump Sally. According to members of the club, Sally’s a volatile, angry drunk, and when you attempt to leave him during an argument, he’ll toss himself in front of the vehicle.

Tread Lightly

“We’d dated for few months when we went to a party off of River Des Peres and he became belligerent,” Rick recalled. “He made a huge scene in the front yard, yelling and throwing bottles, and I got in my Jeep to leave. As I’m pulling off, he lunged at my tire and then screamed about his foot being run over.”

Sally, the story goes, got his taste for tire as a teenager. Furious with his parents for not buying him a car, he threw a tantrum by walking right into traffic and was run over by a pickup truck. According to public records, he’s been run over at least half a dozen times, was beaten and thrown down flights of stairs and has been arrested for assault, domestic violence and several times for DUI.

A club member I’ll call Dan was dating Sally when the two were out in the Grove and Sally started a fight. When Dan tried to leave, Sally threw himself in front of Dan’s Cadillac, sustaining injuries to his chest and shoulder.

Amster-Damn

Draig Hodge had the most tumultuous relationship with Sally, which lasted for 54 weeks. Their constant fights got them thrown out of bars and private homes, and gave Hodge a broken hand while landing him in jail.

Hodge recalled their rough ride in Europe:

“I played rugby for a Dutch team at the 2012 Bingham Cup. We stayed in Rotterdam and Amsterdam for two weeks and toured the country when I wasn’t at practice. Sally stayed back in our room and apparently had sex with other rugby players while I was playing in the tournament.”

When they went to the Amsterdam Eagle together one night, Sally asked for a drink. Hodge returned and he was gone. He wandered the club and found Sally in a sex train with strangers. Hodge pulled him out of the club, and despite the fact they were monogamous, Sally acted like he didn’t know what the big deal was.

“We fought all night about it, and were even kicked out of where we were staying, but the next morning he swore he couldn’t recall it,” Hodge says.  “Given his history of blackout drunkenness, I can believe that now.”

Suspension of Disbelief

Things eventually concluded when Draig walked into a Downtown St. Charles restaurant to find Sally on a date with another man.

“I told him I’d just catch up with him later, and he ran after me trying to start a fight,” Draig recalled. “He hit me and I pinned him down on the cobblestone street, and when I let him up he walked away. I got in my truck to drive off and heard someone screaming, got out and saw a man lying on the street writhing in pain. It was Sally and he had a fractured heel. The hospital said it was a liscome fracture, the kind jockeys get when they fall off a horse.”

The insurance company paid Sally an amount Hodge is not allowed to disclose, but on top of that Sally is suing him for $300,000. According to court documents, the prosecutor asked the court to prevent the jury from learning about Sally’s countless calamities and says even his payouts aren’t admissible.

As you might imagine, all these automotive scrimmages have taken their toll on the body.

“Sally would always complain about bone and joint pain, especially in the shoulder during weather changes,”Hodge recalled.

Still, he’s in exquisite shape, considering.

Hodge thinks Speedbump Sally is a sociopath in addition to being a master manipulator, but like a few other of Sally’s exes, he still has feelings for him.

“Yeah, he’s like a drug. I miss his scent, his hairy body, his voice…” he begins. “My greatest fear in all of this is something other than prison, bankruptcy, homelessness, and banishment, though I find the idea of a prison sentence to be more than a little terrifying.  The thing that still haunts me is the way I feel when I hear his name, see his face or come across something of his, and my fear is that I will take him back.”

Sally is barred from most bars, but if you happen to come across him, he’s interested in men of means, and has a passionate disdain for actor Nicholas Cage.

The ride is rough with crazy Ol’ Speedbump Sally, but it seems once you roll upon him, he’ll always have a place in your heart- and/or your wheel well. V

Written by Chris Andoe

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About the Author

Chris Andoe

  • Columnist
  • chris@thevitalvoice.com

In the preface of his critically acclaimed book Delusions of Grandeur: A Few Hundred Tales From the Emperor of St. Louis, Metrosource NYC editor Paul Hagen writes, "Chris's writing - in particular his chronicles of the goings on in around St. Louis - had the urgency of a journalist embedded in a war zone...He opened doors to a world of people with multiple aliases and secret identities, sinister perpetrators of long cons, and drag performers who embody every aspect of the world legendary." Andoe's long-running "Tales From the Emperor" column in Vital VOICE attracts an international following. When he's not writing or touring, his interests include politics, climbing through abandoned buildings and knocking wigs back.

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