MOVIE REVIEW: "RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN"

RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN

By: Lee Rice

It seems that even Disney has bowed to the recent trend of sequel/prequel films, adding another installment in the "Escape to Witch Mountain" series. The original "Escape," along with its sequels, concerned a brother and sister pair with strange powers who discover that they are actually aliens, and that their memories of being in a boat accident are actually memories of when their ship crashed into the sea. When I was younger, I used to enjoy the original because of its charm and sense of fun.

Unfortunately, that same charm and sense of fun are exactly what is missing from "Race," rendering it as dead and soulless as the moon, or possibly Dick Cheney.

The basic plot runs along the same lines as it’s predecessor, only this time there is a third character included, a taxi cab driver used to operating on the wrong side of the law played by Dwayne Johnson, formerly The Rock. When Johnson first made his transition to films, I was understandably incredulous, but despite that feeling, I’ve come to enjoy his films, if usually brainless.

Although he manages to bring the same charisma to "Race," his character, as well as all the others, are bland, lifeless, cardboard cutouts that undergo absolutely no character development.

Now, I’d like to take a pause here to point something out. Anyone who reads these reviews regularly knows that I generally start out with the good points of a movie before moving on to the bad. As you may have noticed, I’ve already managed to move into negative territory, so as you have probably guessed, the rest of this review is basically a rocket sled to Hell. Feel free to skip to the Final Verdict.

Let’s start out with the kids. Unlike the former film, the kids are already aware that they have come to this world from somewhere else, and rather than searching for their identities, they’re looking for an alien McGuffin that’s been left on this planet. That’s all right in and of itself, but the uninspired script makes these two the most annoying kids I’ve seen in a movie in a long time, and that includes the fat kid in ‘The Goonies." These two are unlovable little automatons that speak in stereotypically perfect English laced with inane technobabble that falls on your eardrums like acid rain. In other words, they sound just like every poorly conceived humanoid alien to ever grace the screen.

Dr. Manhattan in last weeks "Watchmen" was more approachable than these two, and he had completely given up on humanity. Perhaps the worst crime the screenwriters have committed against the audience is the fact that these two emotionless space brats, who are from a civilization MILLIONS of years in advance of our own, CAN’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON’T REFER TO PEOPLE BY BOTH THEIR FIRST AND LAST NAMES AT THE SAME TIME.

It’s something that happens often enough in sci-fi films, but when you hear the name "Jack Bruno" (Dwayne Johnston’s character) 457 times, you can actually smell your neurons starting to fry with hatred. I mean, usually the alien will learn after about 10 or 15 minutes that you can call someone either by their first or last name, but these two?

Here’s a sample of the wit and wisdom of "Race to Witch Mountain." I’m paraphrasing here, but I hope I get my point across.

"Jack Bruno! We need to travel approximately 75 miles in that direction, Jack Bruno! You are a very kind person, Jack Bruno! How did you come to be named Jack Bruno, Jack Bruno? Jack Bruno? Are you listening to me, Jack Bruno? Jack Bruno, what is that red substance leaking from your eyes and ears as I talk to you, Jack Bruno? Jack Bruno, please put down the gun! JACK BRUNO!"

The only time when they finally manage to use just his first name is at the very end. I suppose that means it’s a happy ending.

Also appearing is a UFOlogist that is barely in the movie, so I won’t bother talking too much about her, except that she’s basically a stock character that appears briefly at the start of the movie, and doesn’t show up again until the last half. Thankfully, she isn’t as annoying as the kids, but that’s like saying a cold isn’t as bad as a flu. Either way, we’re all still miserable because of its continued presence.

Then, there are the villains. In one corner, we have the alien bounty hunter sent to stop the kids in their generic sci-fi mission. He gets no lines and obviously shops at the same store the Predator gets his equipment from. There’s even a "You’re one UGLY m$therf*cker" moment when Jack Bruno (JACK BRUNO!) finally manages to knock his face mask off. In the other corner, you have generic FBI scary man, who wants to capture and vivisect the kids because… well… I’m not actually sure. I mean, why would a representative of the U.S. government want to greet an alien race with the prospect of being cut open? It works when you’re talking about doing an autopsy, but something seems a bit weird about cutting open the good will ambassador of Xardox. I mean, it would be awkward greeting the rest of the fleet while you’re still elbow deep in his organs.

"Uh… Hey guys… Didn’t expect you so soon."

The only saving grace that "Race" has are the excellent production values. It’s really a great looking film, and it’s quite well directed, but it’s a shame they couldn’t find a story that actually made you care about how things looked.

Final Verdict- D+

You can e-mail Lee at Leslierice60@webster.edu