“So I heard the New England Patriots are facing the Seattle Supersonics this year in the NFL Super Bowl?” Nice try, but for starters, the New England Patriots are facing the Seattle Seahawks, and the Seattle Supersonics is a basketball team. Hell, the Seattle Supersonics haven’t been a part of the NBA since 2008. If you don’t know anything about football this sports season at least learn the basics and get familiar with the lingo. A touchdown is not considered a home run, and a three-pointer is not considered a two point conversion………….don’t try to keep score, just focus on the cuties and they’re jersey numbers. Just a heads up, your safety zone for this upcoming Sunday is going to be the commercials. This will be your way to keep the conversation flowing, and the dialogue you share between the guys can be kept at a minimal. Also, you have something to look forward to, there’s a halftime show! You know that’s a performance right? Haven’t you heard of Janet Jackson and her Super Bowl performance? If not, Google it………………you may want to open a private window while you’re at it. Before you start your web search, finish reading this article to pick up on some of the basics of football for your sanity and everyone else. Here are a few tips to help a gay man make it through Super Bowl Sunday.
The Game of Football
You’re probably thinking you got all the answers to the game of football, but it’s not quite as enticing as it sounds. A ton of beefy and stocky guys in tights going after a leather ball is not as ideal as bears wrestling in a steamy sauna. Sounds hot, but after four hours of huddling and not cuddling, you’re going to want to rethink chasing men and their balls. “Did he just pat his ass?” Indeed he did, but it doesn’t go beyond that. The teasing in tights is what you’re in for, and the only action you’ll see is the referee blow his whistle.
Halftime: A Teenage Dream Come True
By now, you’re probably thinking the game is going to suck, and it will until the halftime performance! Katy Perry will save the gays this year and make a teenage queen’s dreams come true as she joins the ranks of Beyoncé, Madonna and Janet Jackson. The LGBT community lucked up this year, and you’re going to hear the homosexuals roar as she takes the stage. Perry has been prepping for this day, as she showed her followers on Instagram her pregame pedi. So if you want to start conversations before Sunday, you have a conversation starter that will make you feel like one of the boys.
Two words: Kim Kardashian. The Kardashian stars in a T-Mobile commercial were she satirizes herself, is this considered acting for her? However, this ad has gained more boost for Kim than the data plans. You’ll catch other commercials from GoDaddy, Budweiser and Lindsay Lohan. Lohan will star in a Esurance commercial and maybe give some advice on driving. Hopefully Esurance will add to the irony and make the star talk about community service. Whether or not the commercials are about leaked sex tapes or reckless endangerment, as long as you can move past the linemen’s poor penetration you’ll be able to have a conversation on Monday as well.
No matter if you understand the rules to the game or not, just enjoy the party. Super Bowl is basically a national holiday that celebrates nachos, wings, dip and booze. If you’re not satisfied with your party at home, you’re sure to find someone that’s hosting another bowl bash. So don’t worry to much about if you’re going to fumble for words and focus on the fun. Enjoy the rest of your sports season. V
WRITTEN BY DARREN LEWIS