‘Santaland Diaries’: A Nightmare on Elf Street
by Corey Stulce
11-23-2007

“The Santaland Diaries”

• 8 p.m. Thursday through Saturday, Dec. 6-22
  2 p.m. matinee Saturday, Dec. 22
• Tower Grove Abbey, 2336 Tennessee Ave.
• $18/adults, $15/students, seniors
• 314-865-1995, straydogtheatre.org

Ah, the scene of the Sedaris family Christmas: little Amy in a “fatty suit” bottom passing out her blue ball cheese balls from a sterling silver tray; mom’s cigarette smoke creating misty halos above her kids’ heads; Dinah the Christmas whore offering a toast from her flask of rot-gut whiskey; tiny tot Paul sharing candy treats from his “f*** it bucket”; six to eight men patiently waiting outside to stuff the lot in a sack and pretend to kick them; yet David is nowhere to be seen — his job as Crumpet the Elf taking priority over the clan.

If the previous paragraph makes perfect sense, you might be a fan of writer David Sedaris, whose holiday tales of horror have been pleasing fans since he first debuted his true stories of working as a department store elf on NPR’s “This American Life” 15 years ago.

The play version of “The Santaland Diaries” will be presented by Stray Dog Theatre Dec. 6 through 22.

Broadway director Joe Mantello (“Wicked,” “Take Me Out”) adapted Sedaris’ essay for the stage in 1996 as a one-man show. Producer of the St. Louis production, Gary Bell, said that the best parts of the writer’s diaries make up the show, which follows a loose plot of one man’s experience dealing with the — mostly despicable — public while working in Santa’s magical Macy’s village.

“He basically shares his dark side and subversive view of the Christmas commercial endeavor,” Bell said.

Repertory Theatre of St. Louis Production Manager Edward Coffield is guest directing the production, which stars Will Ledbetter as David Sedaris as Crumpet — down to the green, velvet elfish attire.

“There is going to be an original costume by Nicole Winning; it’s very close to what’s in the script. There are a few twists here and there,” Bell said. He added that the Santaland being created is inspired by the “rose-tinted glasses view of David Sedaris as the elf.”

Sedaris does get hired though he’s certain his drug test turned up positive, with “roaches and stems” in his sample. It seems there is more to being an elf than some might imagine. “On any given day you could be an Entrance Elf, a Water Cooler Elf, a Bridge Elf, Train Elf, Maze Elf, Island Elf, Magic Window Elf, Emergency Exit Elf, Counter Elf, Magic Tree Elf, Pointer Elf, Santa Elf, Photo Elf, Usher Elf, or Cash Register Elf,” Sedaris wrote. He decides ultimately to be a “low-key elf.”

In “Santaland,” Crumpet juggles various — and horribly degrading — jobs like assisting the many Santas, including “Santa Santa” who always stays in character and forces the “little elf” to croon carols to the visiting children — “Away in a Manger” being performed in the style of Billie Holiday much to the chagrin of Santa Santa.

He also witnesses a nasty mother whipping out her young son’s business to yellow up the fake snow, as to not leave the monstrous line to meet the man in red. There are no good jobs in “Santaland,” unless you toy with the general public as Sedaris does, teasing folks to look in the Magic Window to see Mike Tyson or even Cher.

His distaste with the holiday culminates in a frantic Christmas Eve where mothers come to blows.

“I had two people say that to me today, ‘I’m going to have you fired.’ Go ahead, be my guest. I’m wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn’t get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are? ‘I’m going to have you fired!’ And I wanted to lean over and say, ‘I’m going to have you killed,’” Sedaris wrote.

Those very familiar with the “Diaries” may have heard them read in Sedaris’ distinctive voice either on the radio or on the “Holidays on Ice” audio book. Bell said Ledbetter will offer the familiar rhythmic tone of the piece with, “a kind of maple sugary Southern twang that comes in; but each actor brings his own take.”

You can e-mail Corey Stulce at frozo85@hotmail.com.

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