Children of gays: The kids are all right
by Jon Shigemura
08-10-2006

BY JON SHIGEMURA

Jae Judy describes herself as “a very normal person.” She lives in the suburbs of St. Louis with her husband and her 2-year-old son. Some might even describe her as a typical housewife.

Few clues are evident in her daily life to suggest that her childhood was somehow unusual. Yet Judy, now 25, was raised in a household headed by two mothers. Judy’s biological parents separated when she was 4 years old, so her earliest childhood memories include her two moms.

“To me it was normal, because that’s how I grew up,” Judy said.

Judy learned as a high school freshman that her family structure was considered unusual to some. She remembers being confronted in a hallway by a classmate at Mary Institute & St. Louis Country Day School.

Judy recalls the classmate asking her, “‘I’ve heard these rumors, so is it true that your mom is a lesbian?’” This classmate’s voice was tinged “with a sense of disgust,” according to Judy.

Caught off guard, Judy dodged the question. In reply, she asked her classmate: “‘Where are you hearing these things? And why are you asking me about this?’”

She recalls thinking, “This is just absurd that people are talking about it behind my back.” Later that day, Judy decided that she would not hide her parents’ sexual orientation. She soon began to discuss the topic openly with her friends.

Though Judy instinctively decided not to conceal her parents’ sexual orientation as a teenager, it has since become a more complicated issue.

Judy hasn’t yet decided when and how to broach the subject of his grandmothers’ sexual orientation with her son. The need to have such a discussion may not be immediately apparent because one of Judy’s mothers has died and her biological mother is now married to a man.

Nevertheless, Judy still intends to tell her son about his grandmothers’ 15-year relationship someday. She has considered introducing the topic by reading him the book “Heather has Two Mommies.”

“I want to raise him to think that having gay parents is a normal thing,” Judy said.

Judy believes that being raised by lesbian parents did not negatively impact her childhood development or adult life.

“It didn’t turn me into an activist. ... I like to think I would have come to the same conclusions on my own,” Judy said.

Occasionally, she ponders how her life would be different if she were raised in a household with two heterosexual parents. Most often, she dismisses these thoughts as idle curiosity.

“I think that it’s true for any minority group, you always wonder what it would be like to be in the group that wasn’t discriminated against,” Judy said.

To combat discrimination and longstanding biases, some children of gay and lesbian parents have become involved with an organization known as COLAGE, which stands for Children Of Lesbians And Gays Everywhere.

The St. Louis chapter of COLAGE is organized by Danielle Silber, who was raised by two lesbian mothers and two gay fathers in a suburb of Washington D.C. She was active in COLAGE chapters prior to moving to St. Louis to attend Washington University.

Before becoming involved with COLAGE, Silber was secretive about her parents’ sexual orientation. Upon meeting others with similar experiences, she gained confidence and became more comfortable talking with others about her family.

Silber formed the COLAGE chapter in St. Louis last year partly due to the political conflict she has observed over gay rights in Missouri.

“My sense is that in Missouri, LGBT families, at least on a political level, are much more apt to be attacked or feel threatened,” Silber said.

Silber believes that children of gays and lesbians can be empowered by meeting their peers and sharing their experiences in a safe space. She is optimistic that children can advocate for political progress and wider social acceptance of gay-parented families.

“I can’t tell you how many youth I know have made significant impacts testifying in front of legislatures or talking to media,” Silber said.

So far, she is encouraged by the turnout and feedback of the St. Louis COLAGE chapter.

“For the most part, we’ve gotten very positive feedback from the parents and the youth,” Silber said. “There’s a very vibrant gay community here in St. Louis.”

COLAGE

Children Of Lesbians And Gays Everywhere
2:30 p.m. Sunday, Aug. 27 (fourth Sunday each month)
Central Reform Congregation,
5020 Waterman, Central West End
ColageStL@yahoo.com
314-518-2659

You can e-mail Jon Shigemura at jshigemura@gmail.com.

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