Love is winning out: How an ex-gay conference sharpened my focus
by Melanie Smigielski
03-09-2006

It has been two weeks since Focus on the Family’s big ex-gay extravaganza came to town, transforming a local suburban megachurch into the “Love Won Out” headquarters. The media frenzy has fizzled and Dr. James Dobson’s army is long-gone, but the day’s impact remains. I was so moved, so enlightened by their message, that I feel I truly walked away from the experience a changed person.

No, it’s not what you might think — I’m still a lesbian.

Actually, those who attended the Feb. 25 conference at the Evangelical Free Church in order to be “cured” of their homosexuality may have left feeling a bit disappointed — but not empty-handed, of course. There were scores of books promoted throughout the day with encouraging titles like “You Don’t Have to Be Gay,” conveniently for sale in the church’s foyer. Representatives of groups such as Exodus International were stationed at tables, armed with pamphlets offering “reparative therapy” and invitations to support groups.

There was also one breakout session entitled “Help for Those Who Struggle.” Alan Chambers, President of Exodus International, led the discussion. The best he had to offer was a prayer he used during his journey out of homosexuality: “Help me to deny what may come naturally to me.” Chambers also warned us that same-sex attraction “may never go away,” but enthusiastically assured us that living a life of denial brings “joy incomparable.”

It doesn’t sound too joyful to me. The statement also seemed to spark some discomfort in my fellow audience members. I could almost hear the hopes for a blissful straight life crashing to the ground around me.

That was all that we, the “strugglers,” were given — sales pitches, references and one 45-minute workshop with Mr. Chambers. The rest of the day was for everyone else; for the distressed parents and family members of homosexuals and members of the “concerned Christian” community. Part old-time tent revival and part political rally, the Love Won Out Conference seemed to serve as an exaltation of the Conservative Christian agenda, complete with instructions for squelching the gay rights movement.

The conference agenda boasted such overtly political sessions as “Straight Thinking on Gay Marriage,” “Responding to Pro-Gay Theology” and “Addressing the Pro-Gay Agenda in Your School.”

Those who attended the gay marriage gathering were presented with a handy, pocket-sized booklet entitled “Why Not Gay Marriage?” which included tips for winning a debate on the issue. The audience was actually encouraged to “make friends with a homosexual” in order to start a conversation about same-sex marriage. The session leader spoke ominously of the harm that will surely befall our society if same-sex marriage is legalized, as pictures of sad and lonely-looking children were projected onto the screen behind him.

Dr. Dick Carpenter also took a “we must protect the children” approach with his presentation. He warned of the evils children face at school — such horrific initiatives as “Diversity Days” and Gay-Straight Alliances. Carpenter explained that “homosexuality is easier to keep out [of schools] than it is to remove once it’s in place,” and offered suggestions for keeping “pro-gay” messages out of school curriculum.

Tears and amens abounded during testimony time with ex-gays Mike Haley and Melissa Fryrear, both leaders in Focus on the Family’s “Gender Issues” division. Their stories were absolute showstoppers. They spoke of their hopeless suffering as homosexuals, the battles during the recovery process, and finally their amazing success and the joy they’ve found in their “God-intended” lives. They both received thunderous applause and a standing ovation from the captivated audience.

I was equally enthralled when hearing their stories, but in more of an uncomfortable way. I was especially disturbed when Haley began speaking of his “second puberty,” a time that he says that he “began to notice things” about the woman he later married. “You think puberty is hard once? Try it twice.” I struggled to keep my jaw from hitting the pew beneath me, but the rest of the audience seemed to find his confession quite adorable.

Fryrear took the “second puberty” a step further when she said “God began to teach me about boys.” God apparently is also quite a fashion consultant. “He began to teach me about this thing called womanhood,” she squealed. “Things like hair color!” This divine intervention apparently also led her to discover skirts and control-top pantyhose. No wonder I’m so frightened by pantyhose; it seems that they will squeeze the lesbian right out of any woman who dares to don them.

Plenty of so-called “experts” were on hand to offer sketchy science and slanted statistics to explain and simplify the roots of homosexuality, which was used to solidify their belief that it is both preventable and changeable.

No, I wasn’t cured that day, and I still don’t buy their story that a “cure” is possible — but I was changed. I believe those involved in the ex-gay movement are reaching out with love on their lips but hate in their hearts. Hearing their messages and seeing their strategies was at once frightening and infuriating.

But I soon realized that we are in a time of transition. The fact that a conference like this even exists today is absolute proof that the gay rights movement has made tremendous progress. How quickly we continue to progress depends on what we do right now and what we do every day, as individuals and as a community, until our battle is won.

The St. Louis Love Won Out Conference had record-breaking attendance: nearly 1,800 people from 28 states. Instead of seeing that as a sign of their growth and increasing power, I see it as a swelling fear of the change that is taking place in our society.

We are part of something truly amazing; we’re in the middle of a remarkable shift in our society, and we must work hard to completely bring an end to inequality. I must become a greater part of the action, and guess what? Focus on the Family helped me come to that realization — what a perfect and completely satisfying ending.

You can e-mail Melanie Smigielski at seemygalski@hotmail.com.

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