Young blogger tries to reconcile his homosexuality
by COLLEEN KEATING
10-28-2005

“Ben” is a young man torn between his feelings for other men and his religious beliefs. In his blog, http://scatteredwords.com, he describes himself as "Questioning homosexuality. I'm 24 years old, on my way to being exgay? Whatever happens, slowly, I'm coming to grips with the man God created me to be." He writes about his daily struggles with attractions towards men, his faith in God, and issues related to gays in the church.

His view of homosexuality is decidedly negative -- it's a sin. In an April 13, 2005 entry, he writes: "Calling myself gay is like saying, I have cancer -- I am cancer! ... You may never rid yourself of cancer, it's just one thing that many people will have to live with for the rest of their lives. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't attempt to treat it -- to attempt to change what ails you. You very well may fail. Doesn't mean don't try."

I spent some time corresponding with Ben to understand why he wants to “rid himself” of homosexuality, and what it is like for him as a young man, grappling with why God has allowed him to be attracted to other men.

Colleen Keating: You're in the process of trying to overcome your homosexual attractions -- why? Why have you chosen to make your journey semi-public, in the form of a blog? (And have chosen not to disclose your identity or vocation?)

Ben: I don't think there was ever a time when having sex with guys seemed to be OK or right for me. I always knew it was a coping mechanism -- I went through some rough emotional times in college and I used sex as a drug, a lot like some people turn to alcohol and stuff like that. It wasn't just with guys, but to be frank, it was a lot easier finding a guy interested in a no-strings hook-up than it was a girl. But when it comes down to it, my behavior is totally out of line with my faith, which is a huge, huge part of who I am. Fixing the inside stuff, the emotional issues and the root causes behind why I did what I did in the first place will eventually help to bring my actions closer in line with what God desires for my life.

Writing has always been an outlet for me. A blog seemed like a good place to get all of this stuff out, since I don't talk about it with anyone I know. I've chosen to write under a pseudonym (sp?) and not give out to (sic) many personal details about myself because if my family and friends do find out, I want them to find out from me. Not my blog.

CK: As a Christian, have you considered attending gay-friendly congregations, or entering therapy with someone who would affirm your sexuality as it stands?

B: I've not sought out these kinds of things. Churches like this only get half the message. God accepts us as we are, that doesn't mean he wants to leave us that way. It has to make you wonder what else they're missing.

CK: What sorts of resources do you use as you attempt to change, or to cope?

B: Writing is really the way I cope, but there hasn't been a lot to cope with lately. A lot of people on both sides want to make this some big, dramatic life and death struggle. But it doesn't have to be.

There's so much more to me and my life that I don't need to obsess over this one issue in my life. I don't need to let it control me and how I feel about myself and God.

CK: You're 24. Remember yourself at 21. What were you like? Now, flash forward three years from today. Where do you hope to be? How about ten or twenty years?

B: At 21, I was very depressed. Awakening from that period in my life was the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I try not to put a time frame on myself or on God -- he doesn't seem to worry about time, so I figure, why should I? But, as time does go on, I'd like to see this whole aspect have less and less impact on my life and my thinking. There's so much more out there than this issue, and I don't want it to consume me.

CK: How do you identify -- as ex-gay, struggling, an almost-heterosexual, gay ... ? Is it possible for you to someday accept yourself as gay and simply make a choice to be celibate?

B: I try to avoid the labels. If we get technical about it, I really fall somewhere in the middle. My sexual attractions, and my understanding of them, have changed a lot in the last few years and that's brought me to a point where I don't need to box myself in anymore. If I label myself, I've let this struggle define me in a way it shouldn't.

Celibacy isn't an option for me. I don't think it's a good option for anyone who struggles with their sexuality, particularly if you've already had sex. I intend to get married and have kids some day. Now, abstaining until I'm married -- that's a different question. That's something God's told all of us to do.

CK: If you could have an hour with yourself as a young child, and your words could influence yourself to turn out straight (assuming that were possible), what would you say?

B: There weren't any words that sent me down this path, so I don't think there could be any that would change it. If I could do anything to change the direction my life went, it would've been to let someone know that I was being abused. By far, that had the biggest effect on my sexuality and how I developed. My family still doesn't know.

CK: Last question -- we've all heard it asked,"If someone gave you a pill to make you straight, would you take it?" Well, what if someone gave you a pill that made being gay part of God's plan (I realize this is a big IF). Would you take it, or would you still want to be straight/celibate?

B: I want wholeness and completeness for my life, not a way to feel better about myself. If God suddenly dropped down to earth and said, hey, don't worry about it, I don't mind anymore -- I still would. The problem isn't about having sex with guys, it's about being what God created me to be.

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